Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Leather Line



In an attempt to enjoy the last few days of Summer Jrod and I drove up into Wyoming to drive around Medicine Bow Natl forest. Most of the Aspens had already turned a fiery yellow orange. If you ever get the chance I strongly recommend a fall trip through this amazing park. We expected a warm sunny day, we got cool wet and windy and breathtaking.

So on the last of Summer here in the beautiful state of Colorado it snowed in the foothills. On the first day of fall I awoke to a balmy 37 degrees and a winter storm advisory. I am starting to suspect that last winter was only just a warm welcome to my move.

What is the point to all of this, nothing really. Maybe just to wish you all a happy fall. Maybe I just needed to voice my surprise at how Summer ended. When I was senior in high school and was wasting my time partying with much older friends, I was told that time would move faster and faster the older I got. I didn’t realize how true that was. The months seem like weeks and the years seem like months. I shudder to think what it will be like when I reach my forties.

Sometimes I am surprised and amused by my own ignorance. I see many stickers on cars around work. One in particular had been surprising me. It is a black and blue rectangle that I had thought was showing the pride and love of leather. I would see two or three cars a week in the shop with them. Last week a woman in her Fifties had one on her PT. Fetishes know no age I guessed. My curiosity got me. I Googled black and blue stickers. And there it was. The Thin Blue Line. Recognizes those who serve in law enforcement. It looks like the Leather Pride sticker I swear.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Mother Mary


Hi Kids, Sorry it has been so long. Sometimes I think I have writer's block even though I am not a writer.
Anyhow, I was on a test drive today when I saw something I haven't seen in years,shocking really. Care to take a few guesses? Yeah, maybe not. It was a Pink Cadillac. Now, the Shocking part wasn't that there was a perfectly good CTS painted Pearl Pink. It was the fact that it had a huge Mary Kay badge on the trunk and two more on the doors. First of all, you don't need to plaster her name all over the car. Everyone and their dead Aunt Penny knows that if you see a Pink Caddy the driver is a pro at slinging Mrs K's wears. Second, Mary Kay is still making make-up?
I know very little of Mary Kay. The only real experience I have is a memory from the 80's which might be a little fuzzy. I was 13 and my Aunt was getting married to a man name Dick. Some people really do live up to their name. He lost his eyebrows the week before the wedding due to stress and the fact that he was a gold digging weasel. I was asked to be a Groomsman along with my two Cousin's and Uncle. The Bridesmaids were my Mother and her three Sister's. The Maid of Honor........a Mary Kay rep. So needless to say the make up was done by Her and Mary.
The girls looked like spackled whores. The Groom's new eyebrow's suggested he was surprised to be there. After a very long Catholic wedding ceremony without air conditioning I noticed that the warpaint worn by the ladies of the night was sagging now making them all look twenty years older and still cheap.
This was many years ago and I am sure that with Sarah Palin animal testing lipstick on pigs that Mary's products have gotten much better? At least they are still rewarding their employee's with American made luxury and not a better made knock-off assembled in America.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Damn, I forgot my shopping list!


Nothing makes a trip to the store more enjoyable than finding someones shopping list they discarded in the cart or basket you grabbed. I will make up a character to fit the list every time. One of the games I play to make everyday chores seem more fun than they actually are. Today I found one to share. In order, only the names have been changed to protect the white trash.

BEER
emissionsadditive(so her Camaro can pass the tailpipe test?)
oil+filter
fender
?knife?(Guess she wasn't sure how big of a knife was needed)
Olive Oil
Ghiardelli semi-sweet
Batter

BEER seemed very important.

Talent or Ignorance, You decide.


I my few short years in the blue collar workforce I have commuted long and far and sometime short distances. My longest commute involved two to four hours of fun with the Washington State Ferry System followed by a snail crawl through Downtown Seattle to reach Everett another hour or so later. My shortest was a brisk 3 minute walk through The town of Vashon Washington. The rest of my Jobs usually led me on an hour drive each way. These days I can be to work in twelve minutes by car. I actually miss the longer drive to work. It gave me time to wake up behind the wheel and listen to My favorite indulgence, the Bob Rivers Show. Well during those years of my Auto Commute I have seen people do many thing besides driving behind the wheel. Read the Paper, a novel, write a novel, apply make-up, shave, shave their head, flat iron or curl hair, brush teeth, put in contacts. You get the idea. Well last week in my very short commute I saw something I have never seen nor did I ever expect. A woman with way to much on her plate for the 24 hours in a day was talking on her phone while shaving her armpit. And all I could think was, is anybody really gonna care that much if you have pit stubble for a day?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Nothing Impotent.

Most of the time I blog for the Fan Fare. Or to make a witty point. This however is totally unorganized and has no point other than to share a fraction of what goes through my head.

Now that I live in a place that has sun I truly can appreciate solar powered yard lights.Being from Seattle I thought they were just chrome pillars of hope that someday there would be enough sun to charge the batteries to get a few hours or light for free.

On a test drive I watched a Lexus RX Hybrid and a Diesel Dodge Ram drag racing stop light to stop light. I wonder if the soccer Mom in her snobby green car was scoffing at the environmental ignorance of the man in the Ram?

While driving home the one day I saw a car with eight inch letters spelling "DrivesafeColorado.com" across it's bumper. The car had just rear ended another vehicle. No Doubt they were chatting on the phone.

I work for Chrysler. My boss calls me a communist for driving a Honda. Yesterday he showed up to work driving a Honda Motorcycle. I promptly went to the parts department and stole two stickers. One says made in America with Pride. One Says made in Canada. I applied the Made in America sticker to his Cycle and the next time he drives his Dodge I will be placing the Oh Canada tag on it.

I sometimes wonder that if I had actually paid attention in school if I would be designing the same cars that I fix or if I would have done it right.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Weekend in Aspen







Sometimes it’s good to go out and visit places you have never been. This weekend JRod and I were itching to get away so we hopped online and searched for cheap airfare and hotels. Not so much cheap airfare was to be had but there was some steep discounts in the Hotel department. Looking at the map we decided that a 4hour drive was acceptable and that neither of us had been to Aspen. Now when I think of Aspen, I see Stars on the Slopes. Not quite what we found.
Well, it’s spring, most of the snow has melted and the drive from Denver up into the Mountains past Breckenridge and into the Aspen Valley is breath taking. Mountain Goat herds around highway signs. Chartreuse Aspen trees against a background of brick red cliffs and fields of hunter green and Columbine blue is amazing. My camera can not do the scenery any justice.
We got into Aspen before noon and we couldn’t check into our cabin until three so we went for walk. Things seemed a bit off. There were cars parked everywhere but not many driving around and not many people out and about. Walking into a restaurant for a bite of lunch we were greeted by bored servers and vacant tables. Apparently we arrived in the four week lull that most locals take vacation from the town. After a tasty bite of lunch it was off for a drive to find Goldie Hawn’s house. No such luck. Couldn’t find Lance Armstrong’s either. Not only had most of the locals left but so had all of the Stars. We did however see amazing homes in crazy locations. One house was being built at the entrance of the National Park so it could Share the Lake. Another three were built over and around the Ute Cemetery that was established in 1888. Their porches looked over the Civil War graves and decaying unmarked tombs. I would have loved to been a fly on the wall to hear that Realtor earn their money.
Back downtown we checked into the honeymoon cabin at L'auberge d'Aspen wich is a group of quaint cabins on Main Street which is close to “the action” and cute. After we were settled we decided to head to the store for some forgotten essentials. Inside the grocery store instead of one isle of organic food and earth friendly goods it was half of the store. There was no soda or chip isle. We did find a few of those half cans of pop covered in dust they use to serve on the airplanes. We walked around one of the parks and admired huge anatomically correct sculptures of animals made out of old chrome car bumpers, and park benches dedicated to loved ones lost and memorials to various celebrities.
It was time for dinner and JRod was hungry for Austrian food so it was off to Wienerstube. This has been an Aspen landmark for over 43 years. It has recently been purchased by Harald Neuweg a renowned Austrian chef who had always dreamed of opening an Austrian restaurant in the Rocky Mountains so says his website until now. Now he says he hates the town because no one eats fattening food, they all have little dogs and ride their bikes around to the granola store. The place was empty. The Bartender/Host/Waiter looked shocked to see us. The owner and Assistant chef were outside in shorts finishing the porch. They suited up and started cooking while our host brought homemade breads and a boot full of beer. Like a glass knee high logging boot. It must have held a gallon of pilsner. After that was the best wienersnitzel I have ever had and apple strudel you would punch your mother for. With full bellies and buzzed brains we were in need of another walk and that is when we started to notice the Stepford charm of this town. There are no fat people. If you are on the street you must be riding a bike, walking a small dog or have a cell phone pressed up to your ear. Extra points for all three at once. There are no store chains or restaurant chains. Of the two grocery stores in town one is hidden in a dark corner and the other is inside a Boutique mini mall with a hardware store below it. It was like the town council had done it’s best make this a feel like a small town except with multi million dollar condos and billion dollar homes covering every inch of real-estate. Outside the store two blocks down we found Galena Street. In this area within four square blocks you will find every high end International Fashion House you can dream of. Fendi, Bvlgari, Prada, Gucci, and on and on if I did I would just be name dropping and wasting type.. You get the picture. Around this hub of decadence was art galleries, designer children’s stores, Ski Resort empire showrooms and Bear statues everywhere. If I had to describe this town in three words they would have to be Country, Patchouli and Diamonds.

The drive home was just as breathtaking. We drove past a Black Bear standing next to the freeway, I thought it was another statue, then it’s head moved then I thought it must be animatronics, this town thinks of everything. As I looked in the rearview mirror I saw it walking. Aspen is a whole different world.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

McCrapalatte

So I have lived in Denver for a little over four months now and there are a few things that are different from Seattle. There is the schizophrenic weather. Being 70 degrees for a few days then dropping into the teens and snowing only to return to sunny and 60 the middle of winter is just plain disturbing. Not that I miss months of straight grey and wet.

There is the lack of trees and water….Eastern Washington like.

But the one that brings all this writing purpose is Coffee. Something I took for complete granted in the Evergreen State, is the fact that every three blocks no matter where you are you can find a drive up coffee stand with a decent cup of Joe or any other steamy brew you choose. Not in Denver. I’m not sure if it is against the law or if people out here are just High on life or the lack of oxygen but they just don’t seemed hooked on the witch’s brew. They don’t even seem to know what Chai is. To drive up and get coffee takes planning or settling. There is one drive up Starbuck’s within 10 miles of my home. Not that Starbuck’s is good coffee, but it is consistent. You can get the same bitter over roasted brew at any of them. And they are proud of it. Five dollars for a large/venti whatever the fuck you wanna call it. So this leaves me with CrackDonalds. The golden arches will serve you up a similar cup of steamed milk n caffeine for half the price. Unfortunately they also have other temptations that will be the topic of another blog.

So I am hooked on amongst other things McDonald’s CafĂ© beverages. Cause I’m Lazy. The problem lies with the fact that I attract a strange breed of worker @ the drive-through. There are three Golden Arches between home and work. I had to stop going to the first one because the girl who is always working has a crush on me. Flattering you would think except all of the enamel is rotting off of her teeth and she likes to wear plastic pearls and a “Hello Kitty” button on her shirt. One day she commented on how I must be rich. I can only assume because I have all of my teeth and I keep my car clean. The other problem is the beverage girl that always hands me my drink says “Here is your McCafe Latte hot like you like it”........I shit you not.

So onto Arch number two. The operator of this drive up window rotates his accents between Scottish and Russian. Yep. One day it’s “Top o the morning to you” the next is a phony ass broken English early James Bond enemy dialectic. Weird!

So I tried the Dark Arch #3. As I pulled up to the loudspeaker I see what appears to be a baby diaper smeared across the menu board. No Poo Poo platter for me. As I drove off without my coffee I saw a gaggle of Latino women with Sharpie eyebrows hexing me from the drive up, I started to think the universe is trying to tell me something.